Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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