So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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