What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
