I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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