We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
is that a dick in a sweater?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
