I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
