The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize