just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
