i'm signing you up for texting rehab
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
