over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
