Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Randomize
