I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
