Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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