I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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