wrigley field is MILF paradise
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
She made me pour olive oil on her.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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