My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
