Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
