My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
