you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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