Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
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