I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
