I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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