Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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