today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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