"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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