I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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