I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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