Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
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