If i come over, it means nothing
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Text me some of your sweat
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Pooping to opera.
Randomize