Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
