I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
