It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
