lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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