I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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