i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
