i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
