listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
