he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
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