Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
