So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize
