Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
