Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize