I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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