Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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