I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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