I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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