if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
