I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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