I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
