last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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