i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
