No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
