Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
