so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
