the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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