I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
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