this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
