chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
There are leaves in my underwear?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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