if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
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