I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
