he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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