Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
