Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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