tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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