eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize