Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Green mimosas i think yes
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Randomize
