i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
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