what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
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