Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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