Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize