be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
